Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Midwestern Mystery

by tee bee

Belle did jury duty on a murder trial in Wisconsin's glorious capital, and she's eaking it out in posts like the precious blog mannah that it is:

My Tales of Jury Duty, vol. 1
My Tales of Jury Duty, vol. 2
My Tales of Jury Duty, vol. 3
My tales of Jury Duty, Vol. 4

We have yet to find out why the prosecutor "seemed like a decent guy (but looked like a complete asshole)," or what the awful deed was that may or may not be foul play.

And why would they want to disqualify jurors who "would be able to tell the difference between a handgun and something else (I can’t remember what kind of gun it was)."

As Belle says, "To be continued…"


Monday, February 27, 2006

Smell that? That is your reputation in flames.

A few weeks ago now, I received an e-mail. It was a forward of a forward of a . . . . It had been through a lot of hands. The funny thing was, though, that once I got to the end of the chain, it was a lesson in how not to win friends and influence people. And the e-mail has been all over the world now, especially among lawyers.

Here is the story. Let's start with a backdrop. It seems that Ms. Abdala accepted a job from Mr. Korman. According to a news article on this, Mr. Korman had to hire another attorney, so he adjusted the offer to Ms. Abdala, including a smaller salary. The article does not discuss how much. Ms. Abdala apparently sat on the offer and at the last minute, quit before she started. Here are the e-mails.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Friday, February 03, 2006 9:23 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Thank you

Dear Attorney Korman,

At this time, I am writing to inform you that I will not be accepting your offer. After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the pay you are offering would neither fulfill me nor support the lifestyle I am living in light of the work I would be doing for you. I have decided instead to work for myself, and reap 100% of the benefits that I sew. Thank you for the interviews.

Dianna L. Abdala, Esq.

OK, your new employee just quit before starting. And you learn in an unprofessional manner. So you fire off a slightly kurt response, and it should probably end there for all involved.

----- Original Message -----
From: William A. Korman
To: 'Dianna Abdala'
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 12:15 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you

Dianna -

Given that you had two interviews, were offered and accepted the job (indeed, you had a definite start date), I am surprised that you chose an e-mail and a 9:30 PM voicemail message to convey this information to me. It smacks of immaturity and is quite unprofessional. Indeed, I did rely upon your acceptance by ordering stationary and business cards with your name, reformatting a computer and setting up both internal and external e-mails for you here at the office. While I do not quarrel with your reasoning, I am extremely disappointed in the way this played out. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

- Will Korman

Now, Mr. Korman let her have it a little, but under the circumstances this wasn't so bad. Moreover, he ended it with the "good luck, kid" good bye. Any professional with good judgment would have let it end here. Ms. Abdala apparently isn't that professional.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:01 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you

A real lawyer would have put the contract into writing and not exercised any such reliance until he did so.

Again, thank you.

Now those are fighting words. Not only do they show a total disregard for one's own word, but they question Mr. Korman's status as a "real lawyer." Every good cross-examination can be destroyed by asking one question too many. This is now the case of one e-mail too many. But it gets worse.

----- Original Message -----
From: William A. Korman
To: 'Dianna Abdala'
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:18 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you

Thank you for the refresher course on contracts. This is not a bar exam question. You need to realize that this is a very small legal community, especially the criminal defense bar. Do you really want to start pissing off more experienced lawyers at this early stage of your career?

Now is the time to say, "You're right. I was pissed. Sorry about that. Good luck, and let's be professional friends." But ... uh ... no.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:29 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you

bla bla bla

"Bla bla bla" Are you kidding me?

-----Original Message-----
From: William A. Korman
Sent: Friday, February 10, 2006 7:59 AM
To: 'David Breen'
Subject: FW: Thank you

Did I already forward this to you?

Then, the unfortunate exchange is shared with a friend.

-----Original Message-----
From: David Breen
Sent: Friday, February 10, 2006 9:47 AM
To: 'William A. Korman'
Subject: RE: Thank you

OH MY GOD! Where to begin? First of all, how unprofessional.and secondly, it is "reap what you 'sow,'" now "sew".if she is going to use a clich?, couldn't she at least spell it right? And WTF is with her "blab la bla"? Does she not read your e-mail about it being a small community?! So, finally, can I forward this along to some folks? I am sure they would love to see how the up-and-coming lawyers are comporting themselves! (Clearly she did not go to BU!!!) :-)

This took place in Boston. BU is Boston University law school.

-----Original Message-----
From: William A. Korman
Sent: Friday, February 10, 2006 9:55 AM
To: 'David Breen'
Subject: RE: Thank you

You can e-mail this to whomever you want.

And thus Mr. Breen and the information highway kicked in. This was around the world in less than a week as lawyers (and some lay people) forwarded to lawyers, etc.

When I first exchanged this with some friends, I received a response of how embarrassed Ms. Abdala must be. I responded, "I'd be surprised if she were. Some people don't feel shame or embarrassment anymore."

Then, I read this, from Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly:

"This has taken on a life of its own," Korman told me. "The legal community is tiny, and the criminal-defense bar even smaller. They are surprised by this attorney's responses to my simple queries. It's so early in her career to be attacking someone like this. I just wish it had played out better."

Naturally, many people have contacted Korman after reading the e-saga. "I'm hearing from people I haven't heard from in years," he laughs.

Korman even got one email from a recent law-school graduate in Kansas City who wrote: "Though you don't know me, I wanted to extend to you my sincere apologies for your recent encounter with an extremely unprofessional young attorney. ... It is my hope that your opinion of young lawyers has not been too tarnished by your experience. ... I felt compelled to apologize to you on behalf of the community of young lawyers all across the country that are not sympathetic to Ms. Abdala's egoism."

Says Korman: "A lot of lawyers remember what it was like to get their first job."
And although her name has been run ragged across the information superhighway, Abdala does not seem worried.

"I'm not upset at all," she says. "I'm enjoying the notoriety."

Enoying the notoriety, huh? "I'm embarrassed all over the world, and I should say so and just explain I was upset about him changing the job offer. But instead I'll bask in 'notoriety' like Paris Hilton.

Now, however, she is changing her tune, according to the Boston Herald:

Dianna Abdala of Newton has been an attorney for less than a year, but lawyers all over the world already know her name. A biting e-mail exchange between the recent Suffolk University Law School grad and a potential employer at a Boston firm reached the inboxes of attorneys from Boston to Berlin over the past week, making Abdala an unwitting butt of jokes in the legal community on how not to get a job.

* * * *

“It really does prove how small the legal community is,” Korman said yesterday, adding that he has since hired someone else.

But Abdala sees it differently.

“This was clearly a ploy to bring more clients into his offices,” she said. She has since started her own practice, saying she will do court-appointed criminal defense work.

But it doesn’t end there: Abdala said she filed a complaint with the state Board of Bar Overseers. “Attorney Korman threatened my career,” she said, “and I don’t think anybody would have been welcoming to such a threat.” BBO officials declined to comment.

Isn't that just a laugh. She goes from enjoying the noteriety to filing a complaint with what I assume is the Massachusetts version of the bar ethics people. I also love Korman's "ploy." He changed a job offer, so she would decline on her acceptance in a poor manner, then he calls her on it, knowing all along that she would send two more unprofessional e-mails that would embarrass her in Boston, and all over the world.

Some people.

Tough Till Thursday

I'm busy till Thursday. This and the post above are it 'till then.

I received a greeting card one time that said: "The optismist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears that this is true."

A recent study says that optimists have healthier hearts. Sounds like wishful thinking to me. I'm not buying it.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Saturday Short Takes

Farrakhan named to Illinois Governor's task force on hate crimes. In other news, Fred Phelps named to Governor's task force on homosexuality.

Oh the humanity.

Fall down, go silver.

For the well dressed rebel, the iPod tie.

Now, I wonder why that would happen?

Finally, drinking too much? See if this dictionary helps you communicate with your friends.

Pudding In The News

If the Ebb & Flow Institute were still reporting, it would be all over this story. But, as a former fellow of the Institute, I feel obligated to report pudding in the news when it is, well, newsworthy.

Richard Gere was recently crowned Harvard's Hasty Pudding Man of the Year. Apparently, they had previously named Halle Barry this year's Pudding Woman of the Year. Oh, how the mind works in evil ways.

As you read the article, you will not that Gere engaged in a number of cross dressing antics and typical Hollywood Bush Bashing, but there is no mention of gerbils.

I don't know what any of this has to do with pudding.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Your Name Is Mud

I have discussed Georgia's affinity for "official" titles before. So I guess I should report that a new bill in the Georgia General Assembly, by a Republican from conservative Cobb County, seeks to have red clay named the Official Dirt of Georgia.

Said the conservative representative:

Franklin's measure, which was co-sponsored by a few dozen House members, he said, proclaims the historic greatness of Georgia's native terra firma.

"Georgia red clay has been celebrated in verse, song and prose, including Margaret Mitchell's 'Gone With the Wind,' and lamented by generations of struggling Georgia dirt farmers growing their crops and by diligent mothers attempting to keep their children's play clothes clean," the resolution reads.

Franklin, famous for voting "no" even on bills pushed by his Republican leadership, said a constituent changed his mind about the importance of official symbols to Georgia.

Keep in mind that Rep. Franklin describes himself this way on the legislative website:

Rep. Franklin has built his professional experience in the private sector as a corporate controller, CFO, and business analyst. This career knowledge has well-equipped him to apply sound business and fiscal principles, insisting that government be efficient and fiscally responsible.

How I long for someone insisting on "efficient and fiscally responsible" government.

Bushism Alert

A Bushism is the humorous misuse of a word or sentence, as President Bush is known to do.

He did it again recently when he admitted that terrorists at a port could alter a "manifold" in an effort to smuggle in a bomb.

Of course, manifold has multiple meanings, none of which have to do with shipping.

A manifest is documentation related to shipp.

Oh, wait, that wasn't President Bush. It was New York Senator Chuck Schumer.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

For Really Really Lazy Fat People

I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I'm not lazy. Some people, however, apparently really really lazy.

For those too lazy to actually chew their Krispy Kreme donut, the donut flavored drink.

And for those too lazy to move their ice cream cone around, the spinning cone.


Gay* Thursday 2/23

Gay* Thursday is actually better at tee bee's site today.



Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

* Gay: 1 a : happily excited : MERRY b : keenly alive and exuberant : having or inducing high spirits 2 a : BRIGHT, LIVELY b : brilliant in color

For more Gay* Thursday fun, check out A Guide to Midwestern Culture.

Just Read

This is so well done. Written by William Bennett and Alan Dershowitz. Yes, they are on the same side of the debate.

Just read it.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Ask Oleg, Featuring A Former European

Going all the way back to Scrappleface days, a former european has made us think and laugh. He has portrayed many heads of state, from Chirac to Mao.

He brought that great sense of humor with him from behind the European Iron Curtain, and he carries the chip of freedom on his shoulder. He recently posted a comment of his new character, Ask Oleg. Without further ado, I give you the newest reality TV show from the KGB, Ask Oleg:

(cue cheesy game show music)

Velcome peoples of world to most popular show of North Sverdlovsk, Ask Oleg! Ya, here is Oleg. What is your problems?

Caller 1: Oleg, why is mommy a democrat?

Oleg: Mommy is democrat because is petty bourgeois Menshevik who fears burning Red Truth of Bolshevik message. Mommy is useful idiot who will be purged when Revolution comes. Is nyext caller.

Caller 2: Oleg, why does Heather two mommies have?

Oleg: Is because of decadence of West. Before collapsing into ashheap of history, decadent capitalist imperialists seek to eliminate virile New Soviet Man and stop from producing new Soviet Party Heros for next generation. Rosie O'Donnell will definitely be purged when Revolution comes. Is nyext caller.

Oleg Taktarov, center, Russian figher in Ultimate Fighting Championship.
No word on whether he is the same Ask Oleg, but you don't want to fight him.

Caller 3: Oleg, have you considered to be Democratic National Committee Chairman?

Oleg: Bozhemoi, Howard Dean! I am many times telling you to quit calling show! I spit on your request! Ptooie! Call you one more time and will I personally line you up against wall and start purges early! I tell you many times, Revolution will not come from Pterodactyl screeching, but from guns and gulags. Lack you proper Socialistic Ardor to bring the Revolution.That's all time have for Ask Oleg.

Tune in tomorrow when Oleg talks to Hillary Clinton. Does she have balls to slaughter 30 million American Kulaks on her bloody rise to Party Chairmanship? Oleg thinks yes.

(more cheesy game show music)

I smell an Emmy.


Are you a PERV? You should be.

Samantha Burns has started a new organization for People for the Ethical Rights of Vegetables.

This is not some idle organization. It is on the front lines protecting veggies from the human oppressors.

As our goal is to ignore the welfare of all people and fellow members of society, and to instead focus on protecting the poor, innocent flora, I think we should donate to the vegetable right's terrorist group, Alfalfa.

Go get your membership card today.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Bush Must Reconsider

The Golden Rule of Foreign Policy: Ask Jimmy Carter. Do the opposite.

Bush has agreed to allow a Saudi owned company run security for some of our highest volume ports.

Jimmy Carter said, no big deal. ''The overall threat to the United States and security, I don't think it exists,'' Carter said on CNN's The Situation Room. ``I'm sure the president's done a good job with his subordinates to make sure this is not a threat.''

President Bush - Please please please reconsider.

Math Is Hard

Richard Cohen, leftist columnist, gives us a wonderful essay about how math is hard, and it just isn't worth the effort to learn. Even if your mean poopy head school won't let you graduate unless you learn algebra.

There are lots of responses to this in the blogosphere. Here are my thoughts -- the thoughts of a math major and a lawyer.

High School Diplomas:

I guess what Cohen's article is really about is the state's power to place a minimum meaning to its public school diplomas. Can't our society require people to meet any standards before we just give them stuff?

A high school diploma is supposed to mean something. Reality is that it doesn't mean much, when given by a government high school unless it is a district with different levels of diplomas. Still, when your Dad was a kid, it meant as much as a college diploma does today. School used to have tests before you could graduate. If students had to learn as much in high school today as they did 75 years ago, it still might mean something.

They don't have to know history or biology or science. Just basic reading and math.

I can't imagine a high school graduate not knowing basic algebra. I can't imagine our society being OK handing out diplomas to kids as if they had proved they knew something when they didn't and don't.

The Merits of His Argument:

As for "do I use algebra" the answer is yes, all the time. Every now I then, I notice it when I do, but it is difficult on the spot. Still, here are a few examples of algebra or at least the same thinking skills.

When I buy shelves for the garage from Ikea, I figure out the length I have, the length of the shelves, and a variable. "In 15 feet of wall space, how many 18 inch shelves can I put in, assuming the corner piece comes out 16 inches from the corner." "I want to give a quarter a day for 365 days. How much money is that? What is left over if I just use a $100 (.25X + Y=100)." "I can buy 16 oz. of creamed corn for $1.45, or 10 oz. for $.80. I need 40 oz. for my recipe. Which cans, and how many, should I buy."

I suppose all algebra and even arithmetic can be done really slowly by just adding or subtracting. I mean, 8X10=? is the same as 8+8+8+8+8+8+8+8+8+8=?. But algebra and recognizing variables makes the world a lot easier no matter what you do.

As for Cohen, he poo-poos the idea that logical reasoning and math are related, but he proves his own point. His reasoning is awful in nearly every column he writes, including this one, and he admittedly doesn't understand math. Any question now why he writes so poorly about tax policy or social security reform? I have noted before how journalists' elementary knowledge of math would be helpful in their work.

Logical reasoning is connected because logic follows from mathematical rules that start in algebra. He says "writing is the highest form of reasoning" or something like that, and math wizzes can't write. What hogwash. The LSAT, the test to get into law school, has four parts: logical reasoning, reading comp, short arguments and a writing portion.

The highest LSAT scores come from the following majors: (1) Math/Physics; (2) Philosphy/Religion (philosphy typically teaches logic rules that are based in algebra and other math concepts and rules); and (3) Economics (similarly, teaches logic reasoning and uses a lot of algebra and calc). Source.

Better arguments than mine are all over the web today. I found this one and liked it. I don't know a thing about this site - my first read - though the profanity in the title was unnecessary, is pretty good.

I suppose we could just give them diplomas when they turned 18, but then the mean poopy head state would probably require that they show a picture ID to get their diploma, and that would be intimidating and become a civil rights lawsuit, too.

UPDATE: Brad unrepentantly adds to my argument.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Great, But What Is My Baby-Daddy?

A new book out explains to your little one "Why Mommy Is A Democrat."

Image hosting by Photobucket

Why does the book only explain why Mommy is a Democrat? Did they conclude that Democratic households with children don't have daddies, so a book "why daddy is a democrat" would only cause children to ask, "who is my daddy, mommy?"

H/t: joke idea came from a caller to a talk show this morning.

Of course, there are other readings for the libertarian and conservative households.

Of course, Why Mommy Is A Democrat can't be any worse than the biggest communist indoctrination book for children I know, Rainbow Fish.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

It's Cold Out There

Well, I took week off blogging because I had too much non-blogging to do. If only I were refreshed. So be it.

Bryant Gumbie Is Still Supid

Bryant Gumbie suggested that the Winter Olympics were not real sports because (1) there aren't many blacks, just like a GOP convention, and (2) the sports are largely determined by judges.

KJ's All Inclusive Theory Of Sport

Agreed on the second point. In my view, there are three kinds of sports:

Level 1: Those with objective scoring or defense. Most of these are objective scoring points. For exemple, a race is objective - the first to cross the finish line. Most races and field competitions satisfy this requirement.

Level 2: A level 2 sport has both objective scoring and defense. Most common team sports, like basketball, are level 2 sports. Events that are head to head also satisfy this. I consider head to head competition to be the equivilent of "defense." For example, tennis. Note: Although soccer is a level 2 sport, it still sucks big time.

Level 0: A sport with neither objective scoring or defense. You know what I'm talking about. Judged sports. This is most winter games with the exception of the Level 1 races (skiing, speed skating, bobsledding and luge) and Level 2 hockey. In the summer, you have level zero games like gymnastics and ball room dancing. These are nice, athletic forms of entertainment. They are not sport.

Back To Gumbie

But what was he thinking on the first. His remarks:

"Count me among those who don't care about them and won't watch them... So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world's greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the winter games look like a GOP convention."

Glad to know that white people don't qualify as the world's best athletes, though. While figure skating may be the sport of queens, in more ways than one, last I checked hockey was a real man's sport. It isn't whities fault that it doesn't snow in Africa.

Some black activists recognize this.

"Everyone can understand a person's disdain for a particular sporting event, but for Gumbel to castigate an entire field of athletes who have worked a lifetime in pursuit of a dream - and then injecting race into it - is unforgivable," said Project 21 member Mychal Massie.

"Interest in sporting activities are often dictated by environment. That's why Nordic and European countries have excelled in past Winter Olympics," said Project 21 member Deneen Moore. "It's a simple fact that winter sports are not part of black culture for both geographic and economic reasons. Accessibility, affordability and motivation are key requirements for individuals to excel in sport activities, not the color of one's skin. Mr. Gumbel should be aware of these obvious facts and not try to score cheap racial political points."

Nicely stated. In the irony category, a few days after Gumbie's comments, Shani Davis became the first black male to win a Winter Olympic Gold medal, though that doesn't end the story about him.

Bin Laden Makes An Offer I Can't Refuse

In other news, Bin Laden vows to never be captured alive.

Uh, OK. Agreed.

Other stuff

More evidence of global warming? I'm sure someone is claiming that it is.


Friday, February 17, 2006

Keepin' Up With KJ

by tee bee

Keepin' KJ too Busy to Blog
He's no Martha Stewart, which means he won't be out and doing production deals with The Donald any time in the next six years. From the Atlanta Business Chronicle: "Atlanta exec headed to jail for 'pump and dump' fraud scheme."

Keepin' KJ from Coming Home via Delta
"The pilots are telling us they are extremely disappointed in Delta management and are tired of listening to management's demands," thanks to the $14 mil in requested golden parachutes for the geniuses that drove this company into the ground. From ABC News: "Delta Pilots Picket at Atlanta Terminal."

Keepin' Atlanta on KJ's Mind
The ultra-hot American Idol contestant, Diana DiGarmo, will be playing Atlanta in a production of the musical BKLYN, "about a young girl’s search for fame and the father she never knew." From the Gwinnett Daily Post: "Diana DeGarmo musical coming to Atlanta stage."

Thursday, February 16, 2006

NGC Staff Meeting Agenda: Housekeeping

I know we've been having fun while the cat's away, but an item of serious business has come up, and a decision must be made.

Division of Labor, NGC Industries
Should regular upkeep of staff common areas, such as the kitchen sink, be a shared duty?
Yes. Everyone takes a turn!
No. What am I, your slave/secretary?
No. KJ should demonstrate his leadership in the kitchen and the boardroom.
No. It should be contracted out so that staff may continue with profitably productive work.
No. A volunteer from among the readers should be asked to help out with the kitchen chores.
No. Pile On should take this over now that he's not posting on Celebrity Fishing.
No. KJ should take a crowbar to the NGC pocketbook and spring for catering.
View Result
Free Web Polls

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A Few Laughs

I would write something witty or profound about this, but unfortunately my hair is on fire this week.

Dave Barry answers your money questions...

Harold "Scooter" Stumpbumper Elementary School: Dear Mr. Barry sir,

There's a girl in my class who I like a lot, but I don't know if she likes me back. My friends double-dog-dared me to offer her a dollar to kiss her, but after reading your book, I realize that if I invest that dollar, by the time we're in high-school, I can pay her to...

DAVID BARRY!! This is Mrs. Pringlemyer and I want you to know I am shocked and disgusted at your flagrant "advice" to little billy! Cancel my subscription! If I have one!!

Dave Barry: This drug problem is even worse than I had feared.


Bad shoplifting idea of the day


Confucius say, you one unlucky suckah:

A box of X-rated fortune cookies was mistakenly delivered to a fundraiser hosted by a Brooklyn politician.

The 350 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes got mixed up in a batch of 1,750 cookies ordered for the Chinese New Year event, Borough President Marty Markowitz said Friday. Some guests "were stunned, to say the least."

The annual event -- to raise money to send poor children to summer camp -- was attended by some 700 guests Tuesday evening, but only about 80 were still there when the dirty cookies were opened, Markowitz said.

The borough president was on the second floor of the two-level restaurant when a guest "yelled to me from the first floor: 'Marty, did you order these cookies? Did you see what's inside them? I think you better get your butt down here!' " Markowitz said.

Markowitz, who was not wearing his glasses, had the "fortunes" read to him by some of the guests.

"I'm sure they were meant for a raunchy bachelor party," he said. "They were not cutesy. Triple X to say the least.".

Under Cover Ops

Now we know why a certain someone is "busy" this week. A lot of men will feel like they've got their hands full.

Pace yourselves, guys - you don't have to read the whole thing in one night.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Stupid Law Tricks

A spate of recently-dismissed lawsuits has partially restored my faith in the integrity of the justice system.

Recently, 40-year old Rhonda Nichols was seized by a powerful feeling of injustice when a bird flew into her head at a local Lowe's Garden Center. Since she presumably could not take her frustrations out on the hapless denizen of the air, she did the next best thing:

...Rhonda Nichols is suing the Lowe's Home Center in Alton, saying she was seriously injured when a bird flew into her head at the outside gardening area. She wants more than $50,000:

According to the suit, filed by the St. Louis firm of Anderson & Associates, the store "allowed wild birds to enter the Gardening area in which customers travel ... (and) that said wild birds created a dangerous condition."

Nichols claims the bird caused injuries to her head, brain, neck, muscles, bones, nerves, discs, ligaments, as well leading to the loss of neurological functions and cognitive skills.

Why are we not surprised? This condition often seems to lead to the filing of frivolous lawsuits.

...The suit said the incident occurred "on or about April 15, 2003." Bobbi Rose, an assistant manager at Lowe's, said the store had no record of any human-bird collisions on that date.

No word on whether the management of Lowes, Inc. tracks human-mammal, human-reptile, or human-insect collisions, but we'll keep you posted. In a traveshamockery of justice, a so-called 'judge' applied a so-called "reasonable plaintiff" rule, thereby depriving Ms. Nichols of Cosmic Justice in what turned out to be a tragically unequal human-bird contest.


If you live in one of the enlightened Blue States, you are no doubt aware that only disgusting atavistic, snake-handling freaks (and George W. Bush, but that may be redundant) still believe in a Divine Being Who Shapes Our Ends, rough hew them how we will. Despite this well-known maxim, one benevolent crusader who only tried to protect the unwitting (or unwitted) from primitive cults like the Catholic Church was rudely smacked down in court just recently... ed ancora volta, with feeling:

Cascioli filed a criminal complaint against Righi, his old schoolmate, in 2002 after Righi wrote in a parish bulletin that Jesus did indeed exist, and that he was born of a couple named Mary and Joseph in Bethlehem and lived in Nazareth.

Cascioli claimed that Righi's assertion violated two laws: so-called "abuse of popular belief" in which someone fraudulently deceives people; and "impersonation," in which someone gains by attributing a false name to someone.

Righi, 76, had emphasised substantial historical evidence - both Christian and non-Christian - of Jesus' existence. Cascioli was not available for comment on Friday.

He had said in the past that he had little expectation that the case would succeed in overwhelmingly Roman Catholic Italy, and that he planned to take the case to the European Court of Human Rights (Justice Moammar Gaddhafi, presiding).

We expect Sr. Cascioli may have more success in that vastly more enlightened venue.

'At the End of the Political Alley'

By tee bee

KJ's moonlighting as a columnist:

I'm all for trying to keep the air and water as clean as possible, and I do not toss litter on the ground, but I worry that, having been mugged several times before at the end of the political alley, evangelicals may be setting themselves up for more damage to their credibility.

The environmental models pertaining to planet temperatures have not been studied long enough to reach such a profound conclusion that unless Americans drive different cars, the planet will burn up due to carbon monoxide gas. It is more likely to burn up due to nuclear weapons in the hands of nuts like the president of Iran.

If evangelicals make the environment another "cause," they are likely to be as frustrated and disappointed as when they exercised misplaced faith in politics to cure other social evils. Should they desire a real effect on the planet, let them return to the eternal message that has been given them to share with a world that needs it now more than ever. That is a message which "cleans up" the inside of the hearts of men and women and places them in a position to more powerfully influence this world and prepare themselves and others for the world to come.

Or perhaps Cal Thomas is channeling the Big Cheese. Sounds about right.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Hans' Valentine

Hans has it bad, so bad, he's hot for McCain. A Jack Palance-esque version of McCain, complete with 1991 Oscar antics and potty mouth.

Heck, if he can get Congress to actually cut spending, I might have to cut back on my Jekyll-and-Hyde McCain remarks. But don't expect me to jump in the McCain 08 camp anytime soon.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

Lt. Rebrook Body Armor Update

Since KJ was kind enough to enlighten me that the Army had reimbursed Lt. Rebrook, I have updated my post over at Grim's Hall. Frodo, who recently returned from the gloomy hills of Mordor, weighs in as well.

You may find it interesting. Or not... heh.

You Can Do This Without Me

OK, I'm just too busy. KJita and I are going out of town tomorrow to see KJMa, and I've got lots to do before then.

Some quick thoughts:

Finally, rockers and rappers will soon be killing each other. I'm so tired of rapper on rapper violence.

More outstanding logic from the Muslim world.

Warren David Schneider. Its Austrailian for stupid pervert.

Buy it now on E-Bay. Brokeback Mountain M&M.

Two Examples of Government Efficiency:

The military's about face after acting insane.

FEMA knew it sucked before the rest of us did. The solution is obvious: give it more funding.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Lucked across a great blog on the TV show 24. And it has lots of pictures of Kim Bauer.

Who you ask?

Her. Oh, yeah, you say.

So Busy

Suggested reading:

Best of the Web (Which happened to link to CBWSTGJR twice).

Money quote, on why the different positions the Western papers are taking on the Muslim cartoon controversy:

What accounts for the difference? A combination of fear and ideology. Muslim fundamentalists, or at least some of them, express offense by torching embassies and threatening terrorist attacks. By contrast, U.S. military leaders write firm but polite letters to the editor, and Christian fundamentalists ask their elected representatives to stop spending tax money on offensive stuff. (Never believe a liberal when he professes to find Christian fundamentalists "scary.") There is no need to appease an opponent who respects rules of civilized behavior.

Cassandra's back at her old pad. Don't miss it or it may be too late. She's not only the greatest, but she retires and comes back like Muhammad Ali. (I hope she laughs at that as intended.) Today she has already tackled the boneheaded comments by Senator Leahy wherein he was concerned about domestic spying on peaceful Quakers, puppies and grannies.

Heigh Ho has a thoughtful post on the Muslim cartoon controversy, followed by a very funny post about what to do with hardware when you quit blogging.

Finally, for another good laugh, check out BlameBush, WuzzaDem, Beautiful Autrocities and my Blogfather, Scrappleface.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Super Bowl XL

The Pre-game: The introduction of prior MVPs was awesome. The singing of the Star Bangled Banner was awful.

The Game: Pittsburg 21 Seattle 10. The offensive pass interference call was not the autrocity some are playing it to be. He stiff armed the defender then broke the other way. He probably could have made the play without the stiff arm, but he guaranteed the defender could not break for the ball because of the stiff arm. Besides, I was rooting for Pittsburg.

Bill Cower finally has his ring. It is deserving. Great job coach.

MVP: Hines Ward. My Georgia Bulldog fan friends are happy.

It was hard rooting against this guy though. Next time you think about making excuses, read this. Then quit whining.

The commercials: Favorites: #1. Cell phone with theft deterence. #2. Fired Caveman For Not Using Fed Ex. #3. Michelob Football Game. Is there a theme with these commercials? Yes, cartoon violence ala 3 Stooges. And I loved them.

Halftime Show: All in all, The Stones are better than some pop princesses and boy bands, but I would have preferred a Motown Tribute.

Maybe if Aretha had sung some songs she knew how to sing rather than the Star Bangled Banner?

Want to Play Nice?

So, what do you think "Europe: Remeber 9/11" means? Is that an encouragement to back the U.S. war on terror? Or a threat? You and I both know what it means. Madris and London are not the end of it for sure.

"Liberalism Go To Hell" I don't think that is about the Leftists in the U.S. Heck, most of them make excuses for the violence of the terrorist. No, you should read "liberalism" as "freedom" or "freedom of speech."

"Europe You'll Come Crawling When Mutahideen Come Roaring" Yes, to the U.S. asking for deliverance. And we will do our best.

This isn't about cartoons. This is about global domination. Every western government with any form of freedom, even semi-socialist European freedom, is in danger.

Regrettably Mandatory Disclaimer: I do not hate or fear all Muslims. I do not even hate or fear any Muslims that I personally know. I do hate and fear the movements that lead to this type of senseless violence. This post is good and I endorse it. I also personally endorse the moderation sought hopefully by some in the Muslim and non-Muslim world.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Happy Trails

Our favorite Texas teacher blogger is hanging up his spurs.

Pile On, the John Locke Chair of the Ebb & Flow Institute, has resigned his post and closed up shop to spend more time with family, or something similar.

Since there is not scandal hanging over his head, that is probably a true reason.

The Ebb & Flow Institute was a favorite blog here at the Cheese.

We are sorry to see Pile On go.

It was great working with you Pile.

Do stay in touch.


History Lesson From Professor Boortz

Muslims are upset that they are finally being treated like Christians, Jews and really everyone else except cross-dressing Academy Award nominees by newspapers and their cartoonists.

Lifted from today's Nealz News, a history lesson.

Muslim outrage huh. OK ... let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:

Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.

Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.

A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.

Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses. Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.

Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage

Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.

Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting Mohammed. Muslims are outraged.

Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses. Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims .. no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.

Hey, you have to have your priorities.

Ah... Snopes confirms it.

In mid-January, I received an e-mail about this story, but I couldn't confirm it was true, so I didn't mention it. Now, finally, Snopes confirms it, so it must be true.

Image hosting by Photobucket

The e-mail tells the story:

Leading the fight is Gunnery Sgt Michael Burghardt, known as "Iron Mike" or just "Gunny". He is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IEDs and destroying 1,548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then, on September 19, he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit. "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision," he explains.

So, protected by just a helmet and standard-issue flak jacket, he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk", stepping gingerly into a 5ft deep and 8ft wide crater. The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7in knife to probe the ground. "I found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs," he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed."

Realizing he had been sucked into a trap, Sgt Burghardt, 35, yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment, an insurgent, probably watching through binoculars, pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded," he recalls. "As I was in the air I remember thinking, 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road, not able to feel anything from the waist down."

His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down," says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. They started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down. Then I wiggled my toes and I thought, 'Good, I'm in business.'

As a stretcher was brought over, adrenaline and anger kicked in. "I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like, 'OK, I lost that round but I'll be back next week'."

Sgt Burghardt's injuries — burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks — kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But, like his father — who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam — he stayed in Ramadi to engage in the battle against insurgents who are forever coming up with more ingenious ways of killing Americans.

Thanks to Cassandra, whom I had asked about my original e-mail, for the Snopes link.

And thank God we have men like Sgt. Burghardt on our side.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Gay Thursday* 02/02/2006

Gay* Thursday -- February 2, 2006

The stars and production crew of the movie Brokeback Mountain, a movie about gay cowboys who eat pudding, are no doubt very gay* today.

The influence of the movie is unmistakable.

It has created a tourism interest in the state of Wyoming. They might have more than 100 visitors this year.

It has created a rash of new toys.

Image hosting by Photobucket

More importantly, it has been nominated for 8 Oscars, including best picture, actor and director. And given what I hear from learned insiders, it will win.

Yes, our society is without a doubt getting colorful and happy influences everywhere.

* Gay: 1 a : happily excited : MERRY b : keenly alive and exuberant : having or inducing high spirits 2 a : BRIGHT, LIVELY b : brilliant in color

For more Gay* Thursday fun, check out A Guide to Midwestern Culture.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Brazilian Dress Codes Translated

If you are planning on visiting Brazil anytime soon (and who isn't), then you may want to stop by Give Me Spirit Fingers Damnit for a fashion decoding.

If you just want a good laugh, I suggest the same site.

Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothin' Left

by tee bee

Tim Graham at NRO notes the talk on lefty radio this morning:
Driving in, I had to sample some “progressive talk” on the SOTU. At the Stephanie Miller Show, they were laughing about (and playing an audio montage of) how many times Bush used the “F-Bomb” last night. That’s their strange description of the word “freedom.” They also mocked the mentions of “liberty.”

With respects to Kris Kristofferson, Roger Miller and Janis Joplin (and Big Brother and the Holding Company for keeping Pearl alive long enough to record this) for the only fitting response.

Heh. Have to check and make sure my key still works every now and again.

Just If You Wanted To Know

The State of the Union Speech last night delivered by President Bush. Don't look for any spending cuts or ending any Federal programs. That would be too conservative on the domestic front.

The Democratic response brought to you by spd rdr's governor.

For real ground breaking legislation, you have to go to Washington, where they are joinging the rest of the Western world in outlawing sex with animals.

After the infamous incident at an Enumclaw farm last July that left one man dead after he had sex with a horse, state lawmakers are trying to close a loophole in Washington’s animal cruelty laws. Sen. Pam Roach, R-Auburn, will present her anti-bestiality bill to the Senate Judiciary Committee Tuesday afternoon. Bestiality is not illegal in Washington.

They actually bothered to debate this bill.

“Animals cannot give permission, contrary to what people may think,” Roach said. “So you go under the assumption that they are innocent.”

No word yet on the Democratic response.

[Yes, I know that was unfair and that nearly as high a percentage of Democrats oppose beastiality as non-democrats.]

Whooped By A Girl

Non-jury trial ends in can of whoop@$$ and embarrassment.

Two guys picked the wrong 15-year-old girl to try to rob Monday night. The teenager was walking on a Dartmouth street when the men tried to yank her knapsack off her back -- and police said that's when it all went wrong for the suspects.

The girl is skilled in martial arts. Police said she knocked one of her attackers to the ground with a hard punch to the face, and then kicked the other in the groin and punched him.
Police said the men fled.

The girl told police she may have dislocated the second man's shoulder or elbow. The suspects are described as between 17 and 18 years old.

Heh! Too bad she didn't have time to finish the punishment.

One Shopping Day . . .

Only one shopping day until Groundhog Day.

I wouldn't mind getting this from my loyal readers.