Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Ask Oleg, Featuring A Former European

Going all the way back to Scrappleface days, a former european has made us think and laugh. He has portrayed many heads of state, from Chirac to Mao.

He brought that great sense of humor with him from behind the European Iron Curtain, and he carries the chip of freedom on his shoulder. He recently posted a comment of his new character, Ask Oleg. Without further ado, I give you the newest reality TV show from the KGB, Ask Oleg:

(cue cheesy game show music)

Velcome peoples of world to most popular show of North Sverdlovsk, Ask Oleg! Ya, here is Oleg. What is your problems?

Caller 1: Oleg, why is mommy a democrat?

Oleg: Mommy is democrat because is petty bourgeois Menshevik who fears burning Red Truth of Bolshevik message. Mommy is useful idiot who will be purged when Revolution comes. Is nyext caller.

Caller 2: Oleg, why does Heather two mommies have?

Oleg: Is because of decadence of West. Before collapsing into ashheap of history, decadent capitalist imperialists seek to eliminate virile New Soviet Man and stop from producing new Soviet Party Heros for next generation. Rosie O'Donnell will definitely be purged when Revolution comes. Is nyext caller.

Oleg Taktarov, center, Russian figher in Ultimate Fighting Championship.
No word on whether he is the same Ask Oleg, but you don't want to fight him.

Caller 3: Oleg, have you considered to be Democratic National Committee Chairman?

Oleg: Bozhemoi, Howard Dean! I am many times telling you to quit calling show! I spit on your request! Ptooie! Call you one more time and will I personally line you up against wall and start purges early! I tell you many times, Revolution will not come from Pterodactyl screeching, but from guns and gulags. Lack you proper Socialistic Ardor to bring the Revolution.That's all time have for Ask Oleg.

Tune in tomorrow when Oleg talks to Hillary Clinton. Does she have balls to slaughter 30 million American Kulaks on her bloody rise to Party Chairmanship? Oleg thinks yes.

(more cheesy game show music)

I smell an Emmy.


At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Cricket said...

Caller to Oleg:
"Where did Hillary get her balls?"

Yes, it definately smells of something.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger a former european said...

Oleg responds to caller Cricket: Little known fact, but Hillary was former Soviet Olympic athlete. At Narodnya training facility, female Soviet Olympians were so much testosterone and steroids given, particularly female weightlifters, that began to look like men, including beards and chest hair. Look at pictures of Soviet female olympians from 70s, if lunch you can hold down. Got so bad, Olympics had to begin drug testing protocols.

Motherland got idea from Comrade Stalin's brilliant attempt to create half man/half-ape super soldiers at end of Great Patriotic War.

Anyway, is unkown whether, besides looking like men, female olympians actually grew balls, but Oleg suspects worst. Is nyext caller.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

I think afe is really a famous comedian in mufti. He's just perpetrating some kind of myth on us all.

At 4:18 PM, Blogger spd rdr said...

Holy Bumpin' Moses In The Grass, AFE! I smell me a winner! I can see it now, weekdays 2 to 3 on Lifetime: "Oleg Does Dallas."

At 4:20 PM, Blogger a former european said...

Nah, the Grand Mufti is one of my psycho islamofascist Mullah characters.

BTW Cass, what's the deal with not telling me you were back up at VC? Are you giving me a subtle hint as to my welcome there? I tried to get on but couldn't. Apparently I forgot my password, though I don't ever remember getting one in the first place. Any help from you would be appreciated:)

At 4:42 PM, Blogger a former european said...

Oleg is thanking Comrade Spd Rdr for kind words. Oleg is not permitted to travel to USA after alleged "indiscretions" back in 80s, however. For record, Oleg was not using parabolic microphone to tape govt secrets. Was using to record bird-calls at nearby lake for University of Magnitogorsk. Nekulturny americanski no appreciation of nature have. Oleg categorically denies capitalist imperialist propaganda attempting to smear Oleg's good name!

Anyway, after three weeks of tracking and taping Ted Kennedy, were no govt secrets learned. Only which bars best happy hours had, and where to go for free buffets. Big waste of Oleg's time.

Plus, Oleg continues revolutionary struggle to free workers of world from capitalist oppressors. Oleg could not sellout by joining reactionary bourgeois forces and make filthy lucre on americanski media show. Even suggesting so is enough to maybe get Oleg 9mm "parting gift" from Politburo in back of head, so please to keep voice down Comrade.

Well, must return to North Sverdlovsk, striding boldly forward in the vanguard of the Revolution, and carrying the Red Banner of progressive and party-approved Truth. The Revolution waits for no man!

At 5:03 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

afe, I'm sorry.

I didn't tell anyone I was back. I didn't exactly plan things out. As it turned out I came back at the worst possible time, but between wiping the site out altogether (my original plan) or drifting around like some pitiful blogospheric slut in perpetuity, it seemed like the lesser of two evils. That just happened to be the first week my schedule allowed me enough breathing room to make a decision, so I made it.

I'm sorry. It was a graceless way of handling things but I really didn't think anyone was going to notice for at least a week or so. I thought I'd have plenty of time to think about how to let people know. And besides, I just didn't want a lot of fuss.

I don't have any control over Typepad - that's completely separate from my site. I think there's a link for if you forgot your password on the sign-in page. Or you can sign up for another one. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but my husband would have divorced me if I'd had to deal with spam again. I can't be deleting 300-odd spams a weekend. It's just way too much work.

At 5:59 PM, Blogger a former european said...

Oleg approves of sexy Cassandra as blogospheric slut. Yesss, Oleg is giving much thinking on this. Oleg thinks good loins you have for bearing many Soviet Party Heros for next generation. If ever you virile New Soviet Man want to try, Oleg will give to you private direct line. Shivering together in tundra and taiga of North Sverdlovsk, known as "the Gorkiy of Siberia", very romantic can be. Is nyext caller.

At 6:47 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

afe, you nut :)

I am thinking Cassandra was making good Bolshevik blogospheric slutskaya materiale -- mostly very useful for distracting Proletariat labor classes who slave away for fascist-Capitalist overlords from the realization that they are being cruelly exploited by an inherently regressive economic wage system.

And that is why she had to leave her Blogospheric Slutskaya gig. She could not lend her luscious loins to the perverted aims of Chinese-toy-loving minions of the richest 1%.

You, of course, will completely understand this.

At 9:28 AM, Blogger KJ said...

HEY HEY HEY!!!! This is a family site!

Oh, that's right. It isn't.

Never mind.

At 11:26 AM, Blogger Cassandra said...

Almost I am thinking already that some capitalist overlord type is not getting his money's worth out of certain attorneys this morning, who insist on wasting time criticizing revanchist technical wenches when slinging prohibitive amounts of oppressive legal terminology at the overworked masses, they could be.

At 7:33 PM, Blogger a former european said...

Da, sweet Cassandra. Oleg is understanding your position. Oleg also admires your dedication to revolutionary principles and understanding of the dialectic. While Oleg is sadness having at loin-deprivation, understands he that needs of the Revolution and the Party comes first. I salute you Comrade Cassandrova. Bolshoi!


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