A Few Laughs

I would write something witty or profound about this, but unfortunately my hair is on fire this week.

Dave Barry answers your money questions...

Harold "Scooter" Stumpbumper Elementary School: Dear Mr. Barry sir,

There's a girl in my class who I like a lot, but I don't know if she likes me back. My friends double-dog-dared me to offer her a dollar to kiss her, but after reading your book, I realize that if I invest that dollar, by the time we're in high-school, I can pay her to...

DAVID BARRY!! This is Mrs. Pringlemyer and I want you to know I am shocked and disgusted at your flagrant "advice" to little billy! Cancel my subscription! If I have one!!

Dave Barry: This drug problem is even worse than I had feared.

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Bad shoplifting idea of the day

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Confucius say, you one unlucky suckah:

A box of X-rated fortune cookies was mistakenly delivered to a fundraiser hosted by a Brooklyn politician.

The 350 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes got mixed up in a batch of 1,750 cookies ordered for the Chinese New Year event, Borough President Marty Markowitz said Friday. Some guests "were stunned, to say the least."

The annual event -- to raise money to send poor children to summer camp -- was attended by some 700 guests Tuesday evening, but only about 80 were still there when the dirty cookies were opened, Markowitz said.

The borough president was on the second floor of the two-level restaurant when a guest "yelled to me from the first floor: 'Marty, did you order these cookies? Did you see what's inside them? I think you better get your butt down here!' " Markowitz said.

Markowitz, who was not wearing his glasses, had the "fortunes" read to him by some of the guests.

"I'm sure they were meant for a raunchy bachelor party," he said. "They were not cutesy. Triple X to say the least.".