Monday, February 13, 2006

Stupid Law Tricks

A spate of recently-dismissed lawsuits has partially restored my faith in the integrity of the justice system.

Recently, 40-year old Rhonda Nichols was seized by a powerful feeling of injustice when a bird flew into her head at a local Lowe's Garden Center. Since she presumably could not take her frustrations out on the hapless denizen of the air, she did the next best thing:

...Rhonda Nichols is suing the Lowe's Home Center in Alton, saying she was seriously injured when a bird flew into her head at the outside gardening area. She wants more than $50,000:

According to the suit, filed by the St. Louis firm of Anderson & Associates, the store "allowed wild birds to enter the Gardening area in which customers travel ... (and) that said wild birds created a dangerous condition."

Nichols claims the bird caused injuries to her head, brain, neck, muscles, bones, nerves, discs, ligaments, as well leading to the loss of neurological functions and cognitive skills.

Why are we not surprised? This condition often seems to lead to the filing of frivolous lawsuits.

...The suit said the incident occurred "on or about April 15, 2003." Bobbi Rose, an assistant manager at Lowe's, said the store had no record of any human-bird collisions on that date.

No word on whether the management of Lowes, Inc. tracks human-mammal, human-reptile, or human-insect collisions, but we'll keep you posted. In a traveshamockery of justice, a so-called 'judge' applied a so-called "reasonable plaintiff" rule, thereby depriving Ms. Nichols of Cosmic Justice in what turned out to be a tragically unequal human-bird contest.


If you live in one of the enlightened Blue States, you are no doubt aware that only disgusting atavistic, snake-handling freaks (and George W. Bush, but that may be redundant) still believe in a Divine Being Who Shapes Our Ends, rough hew them how we will. Despite this well-known maxim, one benevolent crusader who only tried to protect the unwitting (or unwitted) from primitive cults like the Catholic Church was rudely smacked down in court just recently... ed ancora volta, with feeling:

Cascioli filed a criminal complaint against Righi, his old schoolmate, in 2002 after Righi wrote in a parish bulletin that Jesus did indeed exist, and that he was born of a couple named Mary and Joseph in Bethlehem and lived in Nazareth.

Cascioli claimed that Righi's assertion violated two laws: so-called "abuse of popular belief" in which someone fraudulently deceives people; and "impersonation," in which someone gains by attributing a false name to someone.

Righi, 76, had emphasised substantial historical evidence - both Christian and non-Christian - of Jesus' existence. Cascioli was not available for comment on Friday.

He had said in the past that he had little expectation that the case would succeed in overwhelmingly Roman Catholic Italy, and that he planned to take the case to the European Court of Human Rights (Justice Moammar Gaddhafi, presiding).

We expect Sr. Cascioli may have more success in that vastly more enlightened venue.


At 4:06 AM, Blogger camojack said...

Dare I say it? Yeah, why not?!


At 3:46 PM, Blogger spd rdr said...

What the hell kind of a bird was it to cause that kind of damage? A condor? A albatross? A pterodactyl?
I've notice that wild birds create dangerous conditions, that's why I never leave the house. They are all over the place out there.

At 9:41 PM, Blogger Pooke said...

I have no doubt the bird caused damage to her cognitive skills.

She does have a legitimate complaint. Lowe's should have had "bird-head-banging" and "possible bird-droppings on person and property" warnings posted througout the store.

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Cassandra said...

What kind of bird-brain doesn't know there are birds at Lowe's garden center? For that matter what kind of bird-brain doesn't know there are birds INSIDE OF LOWE'S for Pete's sake??? That's half the reason I go there -- to watch the little critters cavorting in the stacks. It's hilarious.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger tee bee said...

Who's watching out for the bird's interests? The trauma, loss of consort, inability to go back to work, his children's anxiety; oh, the humanity.

That woman better have a really good lawyer. Oh, nevermind. She's got someone willing to press a suit about getting hit by a bird.

At 6:35 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

She's got someone willing to press a suit about getting hit by a bird

Ummm... I think we're back to "that woman had better have a REALLY good lawyer..."

At 7:02 PM, Blogger spd rdr said...

I awaiting the story about how the judge ordered sanctions against the attorney for being such a moron.

At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i take it that the bird didnt knock any senses into her


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