Tuesday Feelings News

Because it isn't the facts that matter. It's how they make you feel that matters.

MENSTRATION AND MAP READING

More evidence that you can't trust studies for anything anymore.

The headline: Women can read road maps - study.

Sure they can. But wait - it gets better:

During most of her monthly cycle, higher levels of the female hormone oestrogen are present and these were linked to lower scores on such things as direction finding and map reading.

But when levels of the male hormone testosterone were higher, as during their period, women did better.

So women act more like men while Aunt Flo is visiting? I hope my tax dollars somehow helped pay for that study.

THE STORY CAN ONLY GO DOWNHILL FROM HERE

I swear that this is the first line of this news story:

A registered sex offender who fashioned a loin cloth from a rope and piece of lawn furniture was arrested near a high school, where he asked four girls for a ride to the mall or a motel, police said.

A rope and lawn furniture. Dressed for success.

More than an hour later, four North Medford High School girls were waiting in a car near the school when Bailey - now wearing blue jeans, but still covered in the apparent fecal matter - approached the car. He asked the girls for a ride to the Red Carpet Inn or the Rogue Valley Mall. "The girls wisely rolled up their windows and left," Moran said.

The Red Carpet Inn. Or the mall. It doesn't really matter when you are covered in fecal matter.

I HAVE THE SAME GREEN LADDER

Ever wondered what was in Carl Rove's garage? No, me either, but that did not stop a bored, useless Lamestream Media article on the subject.

NO MENTION OF MARY JO

Everyone who reads this story makes the same Mary Jo Kopechne joke. Not me. At No Government Cheese, we are above such tasteless, low brow humor.

ALTERNATIVE TO RITILIN

Enroll now in Irma Brown's Ass Whuppin' Academy.