Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday Fun Fest: Lawyer Jokes

While I still have my evil powers, I decided to use them to welcome KJ home: by posting lawyer jokes.
What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

What's the difference between God and an attorney?
God doesn't think he's an attorney.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.

These were carefully chosen to suit my host's delicate sensibilities, and with much respect for his chosen profession.

You, however, are under little constraint, should you desire to post something amusing in the comments. Just sayin'.

11 Comments:

At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger KJ said...

Damn spam!

tee, just to correct the record, the second joke is usually told by lawyers as a "judge" or "doctor" joke.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger tee bee said...

So you're okay with the pigeon joke and the caterer joke?

I could do cow jokes if you like...

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger tee bee said...

A cow walks into a bar and say, "Bartender, give me a drink..."

Ha! That one gets me every time.

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger spd rdr said...

COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA
Game Laws
Attorney Season and Bag Limits

General:
1. Any person with a valid Virginia hunting license may harvest attorney's.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
money as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with vehicles is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is illegal to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a snow mobile,
helicopter or other aircraft.
5. It shall be illegal to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance" or "Free Perrier"
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6 It shall be illegal to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of a BMW
dealership.
7. It shall be unlawful to use young boys, cocaine, $100.00 bills,
prostitutes or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be illegal to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whore
houses, courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances or
hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to public office it shall be unlawful to
hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health dept. inspection
for aids, rabies and vermin.
11. It shall be unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or
tax accountant for the purpose of harvesting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS:
1. Yellow bellied sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small Breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut Throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown nosed Judge kisser 2
10. Silver Tongued drug defender $1000.00 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Beloved Leader said...

Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead dog?



A: The tire skid marks in front of the dog!

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger KJ said...

I would have figured that the beloved leader's answer would have been "we don't eat the lawyer." But then, upon second thought, North Koreans probably do (out of necessity). :-)

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger tee bee said...

Beloved, I like that one better when it's a skunk. Have you heard this one:

The researchers at UC Davis have stopped using rats in their lab experiments. They use lawyers now, because they are less prone to get attached to them and they can get them to do things they could never get the rats to do.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

Difference between a vacuum cleaner and a law firm?

[drum roll...]

Most vacuum cleaners only have one dirt bag.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger tee bee said...

So... is KJ planning a revolt with some teacher jokes?

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

Just as long as he doesn't start in with the geek jokes. I actually don't know many lawyer jokes - that was a pilot joke that I adapted on the spur of the moment.

I think they all come from the same place.

 

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