Monday, July 18, 2005

From the Book of Hallucinations

In this week's Bible readings, we go to the Book of Hallucinations, Chapter 11, verses 1-13, and learn of God's Wrath on the French:

1 And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people in Iraq, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows. And I have seen their oppression wherewith the Saddam oppresses them. 2 Therefore, you W, will lead a coalition of my people into Iraq and free them, and thereby make your own people safer to boot. And, what the Hell, ask France to join you.

3 After the Lord told W that he was to lead his people in the Great Mid-East War, W said, "Who am I, that I should go unto the U.N. and that I should bring forth the children of Iraq out of Saddam's grasp. 4 I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou have spoken unto thy servant; I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. Democrats will mock my speech. Let my more eloquent brother Jeb lead them."

5 The Lord said, "Certainly, I will be with thee, for thou art Skull & Bones. I will be with thy mouth, and have my Angel Rove teach you what to say. Besides, I have plans for Jeb in 2012."

6 And W replied, "France is lead by a no count weasel named Chirac. He is in deep in U.N. corruption. What do I say when he refuses your coalition?"

7 The Lord replied, "I will stretch out my hand and smite Chirac's France with a few of my wonders; and after that he still won't go, but I will enjoy it. He is such an ass!"

8 So W presented himself to Chirac, and said, "The people in the Lord's land need to breath freedom. You should assist me in delivering them from the hands of Satan's and Saddam's tyranny."

9 But Chirac replied, "I know not the Lord, nor the common people of Iraq. They do not bring me millions in oil for food slush money or weapons contracts." Chirac was not moved, and his heart was hardened.

10 Then the Lord brought to France a severe drought. Then he sent onto France a plague of hundreds of thousands of locusts. "The locusts are devouring everything from crops to window-box flowers," reported the Observer to Chirac.

11 And the Lord said to W, "Rise up and stand before Chirac, and say unto him, Thus said the Lord, help me free Iraq, that they may serve me."

12 And Chirac said, "Moi? Outrageous! I will kill the locust."

13 Then the agriculture official told Chirac, "There is nothing we can do. The locust has no known predator and the only insecticides which might make a difference are banned."

14 And W and the Lord laughed their asses off.

11 Comments:

At 9:40 AM, Blogger Jehane said...

You know KJ, I had to laugh Sunday.

We walked by the Air France counter at Dulles and there was a HUGE line in front of it.

And not a single person behind the counter. Not one. I thought, "the famous French work ethic..."

 
At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am having some contracting work done around my house and one day I was sitting around talking to the construction crew. The owner is from Slovenia and ironically most of his crew are from various countries around the Euro - Germany, Holland, Crotia, etc.. Believe me in California that is rare. They are usually from Mexico and pretend to not speak English. Somehow the conversation got around to the French and how there bonehead leader (who shall remain spineless) said they are better than the British. Ironically, out of five European countries that were represented in the conversation (including one from Mexico and yours truly [U.S.A]) no one had anything good to say about the French. Apparently, the French are the only ones who feel they are better than anyone - particurly the British. I lived in Europe most of my young life. Born in England. Went up and down the Rhine for years. Even spent 1 horrible year in France that I can never get back. It is all our beliefs from that conversation that most of Europe is truly a gift from God and we are proud and thankful to have spent our formative years there. We all agreed that God had blessed us with living in America and proud to now be Americans. None of us after pondering for what seemed to be hours could figure out what God was thinking when he made the French.

 
At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Dr. Harden Stuhl (Sometimes Anonymous) said...

Hey - what happened I am not anonymous I am Dr. Harden Stuhl. That was me above.

Great blog ...KJ. I always knew you had it in you.

Cheers

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Pile OnĀ® said...

Yes God has plans for Jeb, I read about it in the New Testament, but first Jeb must be tested.

Howard Dean

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger tee bee said...

Cassandra - that's how it was when I went through Charles Degaulle in Paris last year. It was close to unnerving. They seem to expect you to find your line and wait for them to show up. I'm not sure how we got out of there.

One ticket counter person remains one of my favorites from the trip. She spoke no English, and my French was not cutting it; we were close to boarding time, but she hadn't checked our bags. She kept repeating, "Go. Go now. Please go now," then added a shooing motion with her hand. Finally she realized that I wasn't going to walk away from my bags until she tagged them and took them. We still tell each other in our best French accents to "Go now. Please go now."

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger Jehane said...

Strangely enough, tee bee, they were awfully nice to us in Paris, literally everywhere we went. I was very touched.

But I do wonder, sometimes. Growing up, my Dad was the aide to SACLANT at NATO for the longest time and so we had a lot of contact with officers from other nations. It was fun, but what an eye-opener.

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger a former european said...

Sacre Bleu! Dares someone to give eyepokes to moi? It is le concepte inconceivable!

Knows oneevery that Frenchmen most best are! If someone different says, then liar grande are they! Maybe ashamed they are of lowliness own, when compared to magnificence of La Belle Patrie!

Wayany, who is this "God" you mentioned? Something greater than a Frenchman? Incroyable! Not possible is that! Tout le Monde knows frenchman most high are!

Give you we our permission to downbow and our pinkie ring kiss. Give you we also our permission to hymns compose in honor of almighty Frenchman! Something like "Adore thee we joyful, joyful" acceptable is but, remember, in French must be!

We recognize do not this "God", who merely is another be-wanna Frenchman. Forethere, we stamps our little foots and say "Non!", not will we let your people go! Ha ha! What now will you do, so-called "Most High"? Plague of Frogs give us? France this is! Overrun with frogs are we already!

Has "God" first support received from communitie world? Non! He can nothing do without UN!

Remember when "God" wanted to cause flood in tout le Monde? Ha ha! Forced we Him to Kyoto Protocols sign, or would we His reputation destroy in world communitie! Then, had we World Court injunction order on Flood Great to prevent le damage environmental! Who your daddy is now? Chirac your daddy is!

-- Jacques Chirac

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger KJ said...

afe, that Chirac speech of yours made me think. Imagine how long the Bible would be if every prophet and his oppenent made as long of speeches as an Ayn Rand character. Of course, all of her protaganists were atheists.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger tee bee said...

Cassandra, I never felt that people were being rude. At worst, they were just not thrilled with serving others and didn't see any big rush to get things done. But they were nice enough, so I think the tag of rudeness isn't quite accurate. And the south was completely different. Very warm people, helpful but more talkative. If only I were rich, I'd be there now.

 
At 1:26 AM, Anonymous Rocky Mtn. Lioness said...

So God Himself calls em' "Freedom Fries" too, eh?

Great stuff, KJ! When's all 66 books coming out in the KJ paraphrase (not to be confused with the KJV)??. You might be giving Eugene Peterson (The Message) a run for his money!!

The only thing I find a bit disconcerting is if God's perhaps made at the rest of the planet since FROGS are everywhere to some degree!

Oh yeah, the "Favor" of allah rests heavily on France for allowing the isla-whackjobs to take over their friggin country!

Dr. Harden Stuhl Where the HELK you been? I have thought and wondered about you MANY times...especially lately. Knowing my chances were next to nothing, I STILL went ahead and tried your 0ld e-mail addy, but alas....the cyber postmaster sent it back. Punk!

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger KJ said...

Yeah, I thought about putting in a line about W asking God if he would also use a plague of Frogs, but God thinking that would be redundant.

 

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